Life in Black and White...trying to escape to color

This day, I was spending time indulging at my favorite reading spot...Barnes and Nobles in Rice Village. Now listen, I'm much more a fan of 'The Shop Around the Corner' or the local Mom and Pop bookstore, but admittedly this large chain store does have it's benefits. They tend to have a larger selection of readily available titles on the shelves and their profits allow for some very nice seating areas, which is what i was drawn to this day. I just wanted to be alone with me, myself, my thoughts, and beautiful books! It was my small piece of happiness this day, to be able to sit with a pile of unexplored titles beside me, a warm Venti White Chocolate Mocha in my hand, and the view of the vintage style shops across the street.

Ever since I could read, I've been fascinated by words and how one could use them to tell whatever story they wished. The really good ones could take you away from whatever and wherever you were in life, in that moment and you were transported within the story. One of my earliest memories of reading was when my mother took me to a T.J. Maxx as a child. I found the small children's book section and was lost in it. I remember finding a book on the shelf and within minutes I was half way through. When my mom came back, I begged for my book, knowing i could not bear to leave it behind...so she did. This became a routine for us. I would find a book, read what i could while she shopped and then beg to take it with me. Being the excellent mother she was, she usually obliged the wishes of her little reader and i was elated.

Then, as I got older, the book fair came to my school. I don't know if you remember these but it was the best week of school for me. We would get the small paper brochure with all the available books. I would sit for hours analyzing this book gold, circling each and every one i wanted. My mom gave me a book allowance that i could spend however I chose, and boy I did!! I walked into the small truck and as i scanned the room, i felt my heart smile. I could read whatever I wanted.

It was also around this time when i discovered the library at my small elementary school. The Dewey Decimal system and the beauty of a card catalogue was now mine to behold. From that moment on, i spent every moment i could in that library, devouring as much as i could. I found it expanded my mind and increased my vocabulary, I was in love with what I found. I became known as the book nerd, but i took it as a compliment. I was enjoying learning as much as i could. It opened my world. By the time i was in high school, I was reading 3 books a month and my once tiny book shopping ritual had expanded.

There was a system, a method to my madness now. Long gone were the days of grabbing a book based on the cover synopsis, oh no, no, no, we were more sophisticated than that now. I would first peruse the shelves, selecting books i had either read about on Goodreads, heard about in podcasts, or was simply drawn to the cover or title and I would extract them from the shelves. Then I would take my booty, and find a quiet spot in the store where I could be alone with my potential prizes. I would then honker down for hours and read no less than the first three chapters of each book. This way I could get an idea of whether this may be a good read for me. I found this process took quite a bit of time, albeit enjoyable, but it saved me a lot of money and wasted bookshelf space.

I found so many wonderful books this way. In fact, it's how i found my absolute favorite reads and my favorite authors. I never thought i would be that person that had an annual read, you know that book you pick up year after year just to relive the story or remember the lessons at this point in your life, but I do.

My favorite books are The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom, The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, and The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. I read the Time Keeper for the first time in 2014 while i was waiting for my car to be maintained. At the time, i was not in the great place in my previous relationship and was honestly feeling very withdrawn. So i did what i knew would pull me away from my insecurities and worries, i read...and I'm so glad i did. I'd never read anything like it. The story was so poignant and of course relatable at the time. It reminded me to be cognizant of what time really means and how important it is to use it wisely, what really matters. The Nigh Circus was a beautiful book full of magical imagery, love, deception, and familial pains. I fell in love with the magic and mystery of the circus and those who came to witness it and inevitably became a part of it. I read it every few years just to disappear for a while. The Great Divorce was completely unexpected. I had recently come to learn a bit about C.S. Lewis in my bible study class and his backstory intrigued me. Although a small book, it is full of quotable tidbits. The way he tells the story of heaven and hell what we do to keep ourselves out of grace is so vivid. He uses the most amazing imagery and although he is talking about the ethereal, he makes it so relatable. I had cherished this story since the day i picked it up.

I pride myself on being able to express my deepest more inner feelings, whether verbally or through my writing, but sometimes this endeavor carries a different weight. It can be a time of joy when everything feels as if the warmth of the sun is caressing my face and at others it can feel like clouds have sought me out personally for their own edification. Do you know what that feels like? Reading and writing to me was magical and still is, but lately my life, my real life has made my passion difficult to enjoy. I find myself focusing more on my personal troubles and I've not been able to use my once holy love to as respite. It's not fun. My focus is on me and not on the things i love. What do you do when you can't indulge in the things that bring you piece? How do you reconcile your minds' want and need for relaxation and release with the mortal body's pulling at you to be present? How present should you be when you're in pain and how do you relieve it when you can't fall in love with a good book?